less uncompromising
Posted by: perpetuallyhungry on: March 18, 2009
so i was talking to my D J and A about drinking just now. and well in a nutshell i think i still feel bad about my actions at times. i’m always already the one who drinks the least and i pray before i drink asking God to please don’t let anything happen to me but i think deep inside, something’s calling out to me not to drink-i can’t figure whether this is the Holy Spirit that God has placed in me, we are after all trying to figure Him out now in O.
so really i came to melby thinking i wouldn’t drink, i wouldn’t mix with people who drank and i’d basically make myself not like people who drank but then i came to know that people around me really do drink much and even those i held in high regard. i guess it was disappointing when i went for HC because i realised how some people had so much alcohol sitting on their kitchen counter and how it seems all fine. well for one my standards have dropped much now drinking seems cool and i feel like i’m still at my growing up stage which i really don’t like to acknowledge but it’s true. i think i probably just enjoy maturity that comes with youth. i was once told that i have a lot of maturity for my age but i don’t know good a thing it was.
last week i saw someone who once made my heart JUMPabeat and i think of all the people i knew we just clicked the most instantly, i started telling N so much stuff about myself that it was scary how exposed i was willing to be, msn would be awesome because i knew he’d be there every night and we really just talked like goodgood friends would, the kind that goes back decades (okay i’ve only lived for almost 2) but there was this twinkle about it but somehow when we started to hang in person things just didn’t go well and i felt stupid for how much i put on the line. well time passed and i reckon he likes S now so hope they’re happy.
i really do mind myself at how i ‘avoid’ people or rather pretend not to see them or look busy just so i don’t have to stop and do the whole formal hellos because i find i have a lack of words. i know right a debater and a law student actually has nothing to say. maybe because i run too many words and thoughts within my own head that i get tired and run out so last sunday was another example when i so obviously saw TTP but looked down and i think what made it worse is that i saw TTP see me too but also looked away. mmm okay i better not say no more or i’m peeling away too many layers- don’t make myself vulnerable!
March 21, 2009 at 7:15 am
I see quite a bit of myself in this post…
How I’m thinking I would be the non-drinking type when I go to the UK and taking people’s teases about not becoming a heavy drinker lightly.
How I resolve to not become like them but I see from your post how it’s gonna be harder than I’m expecting.
How people used to tell me I’m more mature than my peers and how this maturity makes my growing up so apparent to myself.
How I tend to make myself so vulnerable in front of people…
How I just invest so much in a relationship/friendship unknowingly without first considering the returns (or lack there-of).
And how I always avoid people by pretending not to see them because I suck at making small talk or simply want to keep to myself.
Sheesh this comments sounds a bit self-absorbed
but I do relate to what you wrote.
So the point is, thank you for the reminder.
A mirror is always needed for us to tidy up ourselves.
And I hope you’re doing well!